Before a lesson yesterday, one of Stacey’s year 9 pupils took her to one side:

‘I can’t sit at that desk anymore Miss’

‘Why not?’

‘I got a really good reason’

‘What is it?’

‘Sorry. I can’t tell you miss’

Her friend decided to do the honours: ‘It’s because Miss, whenever you walk past that desk you brush her with your bum’

The first pupil nodded gravely.

‘So essentially’ said Stacey, recounting the incident to us later ‘my arse has got so big, my class are now having to rearrange themselves around it’

She’s not the only one on the receiving end of unflattering hints this week. Adina is off to visit her Filipino side of the family in a couple of months: ‘Remember you’ll be in a bikini’ said her Sister pointedly, ‘just in case you need some… advance warning’

‘Do you think I need to tone up a bit?’ I asked Ed on Sunday.

[pause]

‘I’m not saying anything’

‘So I do need to?’

‘I didn’t say that’

‘But you didn’t disagree either’

‘I didn’t say anything. I’m not saying anything’ and then he ran into the bathroom.

On Monday night the issue of our house blobbiness was mooted over a large bag of prawn crackers. Living with a pair of foodies, the answer to this was never going to be a diet. It’s not a sustainable option, and personally I find those Special K / Activia adverts so depressing I have to change the channel, if only to avoid witnessing the burning carcass of Martine McCutcheon’s career. We did concede that we probably don’t need to eat ice cream every day of the week and it wouldn’t hurt to do some exercise.

On the exercise front it might not surprise you that my interest in the Primark gym is waning now the weather’s warming up; running on a treadmill might be handy when it’s too dark and cold to run in the park of an evening, but unfortunately it’s also exquisitely boring. In need of fun, group-based exercise I broke my gym class virginity at ‘Body Pump’ with Sam on Tuesday, marginally less aggressive sounding than ‘Body Attack’ and more obvious in its function than ‘Spinning’ – which I principally mistook for a sudden craze in pre-industrial crafts.
I was late for Body Pump and there were no steps or weights available. Ten years after leaving her behind, I was suddenly the girl in games again who doesn’t have the right kit and can’t keep up.

‘You at the back!’ called the instructor ‘D’you not have a step?’

‘No! But it’s OK I’ll just sit this bit out!’

‘No you can still do the exercises – just do this instead!’ and then she started lunging.

My friend Lucy and I were so bad at tennis Mrs Pointer used to make us practise hitting a ball against the wall while the rest of the class were allowed on the courts. This felt just like that. At one point the instructor shouted ‘PLANK!’ and everyone lay down on the floor and pushed their bodies up on their elbows. Apparently this is a measure of ‘core muscle strength’ and proves I have the core muscle strength of a very tiny sparrow. The session awakened muscles which have lain dormant since the pre-primary ‘Music and Movement’ years. Which, by the way, we always did in our pants. In our pants! Hello CRB!

Adina also had the idea of ordering one of those fitness programmes for the flat PS2 (the PS2 was donated by Joel with the ostensibly selfless purpose of enabling us to watch DVDs…) It arrived yesterday and I waited for Adina to return home and set it up so we could have a go:

‘Let’s try it out!’ I said as soon as she walked through the door

‘OK. Just let me make a gin’

‘What? You can’t have a gin before you exercise’

‘I’ve spent the last 11 hours doing data entry for a woman called Rhonda, I’m having a gin’ (Adina is between directing jobs so is doing a run of temping in Westbourne Park to tide her over – this one’s particularly bad)

‘I don’t think this is how it’s meant to be done’ I said, watching her take sips of her drink in between her stretches with Matt the virtual personal trainer.

‘What’s he going to do, walk out of the screen and tell me off?’

The game includes a camera which you balance on top of the TV to capture you in full blobby glory doing stretches next to Matt, who’s on the other side of the screen in what looks like a virtual Garden Centre. ‘You’re doing great, really stretch those arms’ says virtual Matt, while Adina toddles to the table to retrieve her clinking glass.
‘Can he tell you’re doing that?’

‘I don’t know’

‘Good job!’ says Matt

‘Doesn’t look like it’

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