‘I’ve found something you’re going to love!’ shouted Adina from upstairs when I came in from work yesterday.

‘Oooh, what? Is it cake?’

‘No’

‘Chocolate cake?’

‘No’

‘A secret tunnel leading from our flat to a cake factory?’

‘No. Come upstairs’

There wasn’t any cake upstairs, just Adina with her laptop open, and a silly jingly-jangly, excited expression on her face.

‘Are you alright? You look a bit… wired’

‘Watch this’

She clicked on a you tube clip of a Channel 5 TV show. I forget the name, but it was a twenty-something blind date set up, where a man and a woman chatted awkwardly as they decorated cupcakes. I love the way the dates in this type of show always involve a craft. And while I generally approve of cake in any context (see above) in real life what respectable straight man invites a woman cupcake decorating on a first date? He may as well ask her to a Cher concert. Anyway, in between shots of the two of them piping (manly) pink icing onto the little swells of sponge, the programme cut to their electrifying reactions to one another:

‘First impressions good. Lisa’s a really nice girl’ he said with all the enthusiasm of a cup of tepid water.

‘Yeah, he’s a really nice guy. Good looking’ said she, looking slightly bored.

And the clip ended. Adina turned to me, grinning:

‘….so?’

‘I don’t get it’

‘Don’t you recognise someone?’

‘What? Who?’

‘Watch it again. This time look closely at the guy’

She clicked play again.

‘Got it yet?’

‘No’

‘Think back to school…?’

[pause]

‘A guy we used to know?’

[pause]

‘Starts with J….. ends with L? Rhymes with pole?’

[pause]

‘Oh for god’s sake. It’s Joel’

[pause]

‘No. Noooooo’

‘Yes, it is – look’

[pause]

‘Wait…. Oh god, you’re right! But he looks -’

‘I know’

I went to an all-girls day school, where there was an occasional need to ship in boys for the male parts in plays, provided the resources of male staff / convincingly butch girls had been completely exhausted. I generally avoided playing a man, bar a spell in my final year as Tony in The Boyfriend, cast by a director who – with considerable glee – insisted it was integral to the plot that I perform a tap dance in a bellboy outfit (complete with toy monkey hat.)  There’s a video of it gathering dust somewhere, waiting to be unearthed and played by Adina on my wedding day.

Joel was cast in all his dashing, chiselled 17-year-old glory as Demetrius in A Midsummer Night’s Dream. I was playing Hermia, the chippy object of Demetrius’ unrequited love. Tragically, in real life the roles were entirely reversed. It was a crush of titanic proportions. Every time I tried to make conversation with him, I’d feel like someone had stuffed my mouth with polystyrene, and if I did manage to say anything it inevitably sounded boring, or stupid, or both.

A few months in, I stopped trying to talk to him and focused on straightening my hair twice a week in time for rehearsals, then positioning myself in his eye line. In return for this considerable effort, he threw me the occasional flirtatious comment or glance when there was no-one better about, in the same way you might casually flick a bit of bacon at a dog.

Six months later, when my agony had reached fever pitch, there was a party to celebrate the last night of the play. I wore a River Island denim skirt and glittery eyeshadow. An hour and two Bacardi Breezers after arriving, I watched in horrific slow motion as Joel led the generously breasted Suzy Ball into the costume cupboard and simultaneously broke my heart. I haven’t seen him since. Until yesterday on Channel 5 when I watched a 7-years-older version of him icing cupcakes with a woman called Lisa.

‘Isn’t it funny?’ said Adina ‘if I remember correctly, didn’t you used to fancy him?’

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